Sunday, April 20, 2014

The Love Some(bunny)

If it's even possible, I think I like the Easter bunny even less than leprechauns.
I mean how am I supposed to sell this? He's not even human!
Now that H has the whole crucifixion thing down he's thinking that the Easter bunny is actually Jesus.
Yes honey, Jesus came back from the dead in order to hide plastic eggs in our backyard.

song: To Love Somebody • the BeeGees

Monday, April 14, 2014

Losing My Religion

As adults I think we forget how big a deal it is to loose a tooth.
As adults losing stuff, especially stuff off our bodies, is bad. We lose our hair, our waist lines, our eyesight, our hearing - please stop me when you've heard enough.
But for a kid - losing a tooth is huge.
I would say in fact that loosing that first tooth might be the elementary school equivalent of loosing your virginity except that it's more socially acceptable to talk openly about it.
Here's how the conversation might go whether you're ease dropping on seven or seventeen year olds:
"Did you loose yours yet?"
"Yeah. I lost mine."
"I lost mine too."
"Hey guess what? Marcus lost two in one day."
"Two of them? Wow. They must have been really loose."

song: Losing My Religion • artist: R.E.M.

Monday, April 07, 2014

Let 'Em In

As if motivated by the fact that my toddlers are no longer toddlers my cat is now acting like a toddler.
I go into the bathroom and she claws at the door until I let her in.
She enters. Sees that I'm peeing and gives me an, "is that all you're doing look." Then she scratches the door to be let out so I let her out.
She decides maybe I'm no longer peeing but doing something more interesting and starts scratching again.
She is disappointed. I let her out.
Luckily it's a very small bathroom.

song: Let 'Em In • artist: Paul McCartney

Friday, April 04, 2014

The Tao of my Twins

Always stop and smell the roses.
Unless you have to pee.
Then just get in the house.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Parenting is...

never having enough AA batteries in your house or enough napkins in restaurants.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Good Luck Charm

Holy cow, what's the deal with St. Patrick's Day? The school's have boosted this holiday, which has less pull than Columbus Day I mean there's no three day weekend involved, to legendary status. I suspect it's because it's a holiday, despite the word saint in it's title, that doesn't offend anyone. Who can be offended by little green men, pots of gold and a song about unicorns that was written by a jewish guy from Chicago (Shel Silverstein)? Me that's who.
S & N woke up Monday morning and their first words were "Guess what? It's St. Patrick's Day!" I know they said this because they were both sleeping in my bed. Which means I had to spend half the day preparing for a pseudo holiday on top of not getting enough sleep.
They were so excited and all I could think was, "nothing happens on St. Patrick's Day guys, it's not a real holiday. You're not even Irish." 
Okay fine. You wear green to school. But that's it. And even that was totally overdone in the school. I tell you the twin's entire kindergarten class was a sea of green. I couldn't recognize kids whose names I know because they all looked the same. There were green beads and green buttons. S and N almost went into convulsions when H appeared at the breakfast table and he wasn't wearing green. I had a hard time convincing them that this was okay - it's okay not to wear green on St. Patrick's Day. It's optional. The next thing that happened was that they asked me to get "the rest" of the St. Patrick's Day decorations out. There are no St. Patrick's Day decorations! It's not a real holiday! Well there are some shamrocks I cut out and write personal Irish blessings on but that's it.
Then they asked me if I could go to N's favorite store (Michaels) and buy leprechaun hats. So what am I doing at noon after my Monday deadline when I should be getting ready for Wednesday's deadline? I'm at the craft store trying to figure out how to make leprechaun hat out of foam top hats, glitter peel and stick paper, and green ribbon. Then I buy chocolate gold coins, and shamrock shaped chocolate lollypops. 
Thirty dollar later and I'm at home prepping dinner for nine because the one thing I will do to celebrate St. Patrick's Day is to invite friends over and serve nothing but green foods. One year I even made green smoothies.
I arrange the hats and the coins and the lollypops and when my kids get home they scream, "the leprechauns have been here!"
Leprechauns, the Easter Bunny, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, I never get the credit for anything.
Leprechauns. I hate 'em.
Do you know what leprechauns do? I'll tell you. They come into kindergarten classes while the kids are out and they mess stuff up - desks, chairs, etc. Then they use the bathroom and turn the water in the toilet bowl green.
And you know what happens then? Well first my kids think because of the leprechaun and the toilet that it's open season to use bathroom talk but what's worse is they come home and act like leprechauns. "Come and see, the leprechauns were here," they say and then they take me by the hand and excitedly show me rooms that they've messed up - admitting gleefully that "they" are the leprechauns.
As of yet no leprechauns have stepped forward to clean things up.
I'm hoping the house elves will have a word with them.
Yesterday I took three out of my four boys to a pagan celebration of the equinox. 
Because - you see - the first day of spring is a holiday I can get behind.

song: Good Luck Charm • artist: Elvis Presley

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Everybody Have Fun Tonight

Yesterday we picked C up after school except that we were early so my other three kids decided they couldn't wait in the car and were going to go play on the playground. "There is no playground, the DPW tore it down," I reminded them.
"Then we'll play on the field," they said.
"It's freezing out," I reminded them.
"We don't care," they said.
"Got a soccer ball?"they asked.
"Only this half deflated one," I said.
"We don't care," they said.
Off they went and tore up the field for 15 minutes in the freezing cold with nothing to entertain them but a mostly deflated soccer ball.
So - if my kids ever complain about being cold, or being bored, or needing new toys - I will remind them of the day they played outside with a dead soccer ball w/o hats or gloves when it was 29°F. Touché.

song: Everybody Have Fun Tonight • artist: Wang Chung